


The Deep End of Our Little Ocean

by scy_ence



Category: The Good Place (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-12-12
Packaged: 2019-01-22 18:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12487980
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scy_ence/pseuds/scy_ence
Summary: Just like any other epiphanies Eleanor's ever had, this one comes suddenly and at the wrong time.At least she's not crying into a plunger or wearing a cowboy hat.





	1. Shallow Pool

_They were sat by the lake, a blanket underneath them. A perfect, red flannel blanket, a picturesque, movie idea of what a picnic should be. There was even one of those woven baskets with the handles, and finger foods were spread around them, with two wine glasses that were only full of sparkling apple cider. It was barely noon after all._

_Eleanor was leaned back against the tree they were under, arms crossed behind her head. Her eyes were closed, and any bystander would have thought that she was sleeping, but she was attentively listening to Tahani’s complaints about her family._

_Tahani wasn’t sure what exactly sparked her to open up about her insecurities caused by her parents and sister, but now that she was, she told everything, from beginning to end. Eleanor’s face never twisted in judgement, in fact, she looked completely serene in the shade._

_“I can’t believe you died in Cleveland.” Eleanor said finally, after Tahani finished weaving her long tale, filled with sighs._

_“Those were my thoughts exactly!” Tahani threw her hands up, thankful for the validation after being initially told by Michael._

_“Your sister sounds like a straight up court. I can’t say court? You know, I don’t mean court right?” Eleanor opened one eye, only to make sure Tahani was nodding, and then promptly closed it again. “Anyway,” The bark on the tree was becoming more uncomfortable by the minute. “I had shirty parents too, and nobody deserves that. Especially not you.”_

_If Eleanor had taken this moment to open her eyes, she might have seen the way a smile slowly eased its way onto Tahani’s lips, and the endearment on her face. But she didn’t._

_“And I know something that’ll make you feel better.” It was here that Eleanor decided to open her eyes, sitting up. She grinned like she had the most brilliant (probably evil) idea, leaning into Tahani’s personal space. “Depending how long we’ve been here, your sister is probably dead, and with your parents, in the REAL bad place. Getting their butts filled with giant spiders.”_

_“Eleanor, that's crass!” Tahani tried her best to keep her face twisted in a mixture of shock and disapproval, but Eleanor didn’t miss this smile that fought its way to her lips instead. She responded with a smirk of her own._

_“Now, do we have any more of them lemon benches?”_

 

* * *

 

Okay so I was minding my business.

I was minding my bizz-nass.

I was super bored at another one of Tahani’s parties. I swear it’s like, she throws one every week? It’s like she’s legit trying to torture us now that Michael said he won’t anymore. I was beginning to wonder if Chidi had any philosophers he knew that had something to say like, “thou shall not throw so many parties and force your friends to come,” because if so, he should totally teach that at our next lesson.

So yeah, like I said, minding my business, and babysitting wine that stayed cold because this was the fake good place. And here comes Tahani, just like, appearing from nowhere. Like, sometimes she does this _gliding_ thing instead of walking, and it usually happens at her parties where she’ll just pop up all over the place trying to talk to everyone. But, more importantly, she was wearing this dress, okay? aND I KNOw I’ve never seen her wear that dress before, because I would’ve remembered the day my life ended for the second time.

It was the same style of her regular dresses- that off the shoulder thing that I don’t know what it’s called- but it was totally black. Like, not a flower to be seen, just black. And then it had a forking slit in the side. And I couldn’t stop staring, like I tried to look other places but my eyes kept trying to sneak a peek of her ridiculously gorgeous amazon legs.

And so I’m sitting there thinking to myself:

 _Oh my God she's looks amazing in that dress. I think I'm legitimately into Tahani- wait I feel like we already knew that. But, like, I want to fork her- wait even my thoughts are censored, that's forked up, but anyway_ (At this point I was trying to hold onto my wine glass because I kept forgetting it was in my hand for some reason??) _that's something I already knew. This isn't like a_ **_new_ ** _thing- it's not like I would stay after, and hold her so I could smell her hair, and then hopefully she would make us breakfast in the morning- actually maybe Janet could bring us breakfast so we could just lie in bed until we had to get up. Because I feel like she's always on the move, trying to impress everyone, and I doubt she's ever had a day of just like relaxing and staying in bed all day watching Netflix and OH MY GOD I'M IN LOVE WITH TAHANI._

That was when I fully almost dropped the wine glass.

It was forking Bath and Body Works all over again! I could never have an epiphany at an appropriate time! Like, my brain can never be like “oh 2 plus 2 is 4.” No, it has to be like, someone asks me what two plus two is, and I blow them off until later I see two fish in a pond and then two birds fly down to scoop them and then my brain is like “FOUR!”

So, back to me being a bisexual having a panic attack:

_Why is she staring at me??? Does she know??? Oh my God she's calling me over- I love her smile- DAMMIT. I have to go over there, I've already awkwardly stood here for probably a million years._

So I walk over, and I’m trying to be cool, which I’ve **never** had to do before, it’s always been natural, so of course it was very not cool. And I ended up saying, “Hey guys! Heeeeyyyy, what's up... Benches???"

And Tahani laughed anyway, because she’s perfect. She put her hand on my back. "You're adorable."

Sometimes the best comeback is repeating what the other person said but, “No, you!” except it doesn't always work because my next thought was, _You're adorable- WHAT THE FORK._

"Anyway, I just wanted to introduce you to my wonderful friend Eleanor-" She tried to turn me toward the group but, it’s like all the sudden, I got a horrible case of word vomit, and I couldn't stop myself from interrupting her.

"Yep, cuz we are friends. Gooood friends. Friends. We are frieeennds."

Thinking about how I actually said that still makes me want to punch myself in the face. Like, I could’ve just been quiet!

But then she turned that face, that concerned face on me, and God- her eyes are so pretty. "Are you feeling alright?"

I was ready to panic again. **But then,** The Lord who decided we all deserved to go The Bad Place shone down on me with grace for once, in the form of Chidi walking by that very second. "Speaking of good friends, there's our friend Chidi! Sorry I gotta catch up with him! It was nice talking to you-" I gave Tahani a little tap on the shoulder with my fist. "Friend."

I ran away immediately.

I couldn’t run away from my own horrible embarrassment and lack of control of my body, but I could run away before all of their reactions.

“Chidi! Chidi! Chidi!” I called, but Chidi didn't even have a chance to see me coming before I was tackling him and pushing him into the closest empty room.

He was all huffy, like he usually is when he can’t believe I’m being myself. "What? What's going on?"

I was doing a combination of whispering and yelling. "MICHAEL LIED TO US."

He pushed his glasses up on his nose. “What are you talking about?”

 _Oh Chidi, you stupid smart man, can’t you see?? Look, with your special eyes!_ "Michael says he was done torturing us! But I can **prove** we're still being tortured! Personally tortured!"

I could see the exact moment he headed to anxiety city on his face. "What makes you say that?"

“Well, you still have to give us lessons! You don't even get to relax in 'paradise!' And **_I’m_ ** in love with Tahani!"

Chidi did a perfect imitation of one of the last memes I saw before I died. His slow blink almost made me laugh and forget about the terrorizing of my soul. Almost. "Wait, WHAT?"

If I wasn't panicking, I would've rolled my eyes. I guess Chidi didn't learn _listening_ from any of his books. "You still have to teach us!"

"No, I mean that LAST part!"

Oh yeah, forgot about that.

"I'm in love with Tahani!” When I repeated it, it made me feel worse. “Or at least, I think I am."

Now he was doing that thing where he pinches the bridge of his nose. (Sidenote: why does anybody do that? What does it help?) "How? Just, how did you come to this conclusion?"

"Well,” I hadn't thought about it, considering I only realized literally five minutes ago, but I surprised myself by having an answer anyway. “I like her even though she's the worst, and when I don't see her it kind of ruins my day. Like, all her traits, or whatever, are things that I hate separately? But when, it's all-” I made an exaggerated smashing motion with my hands. “Put together as Tahani, I don't hate them at all? And we all know I've wanted to fork her, but like I want to STAY and like, DO STUFF AFTERWARDS." And for once, I wasn't being _crass_ and meant regular stuff.

"Wow, that's actually huge for you."

"I KNOW. This IS torture." This wasn't me and I was totally ready to check out.

It was like Chidi could see that I was thinking about having Janet call a train. He put his hands on his hips. "Now, calm down Eleanor. I don't think this is Michael torturing us.” He gave me his best sympathetic face and it just made me want to hit him. “I think you might just be in love with Tahani. One of the main factors in love is proximity."

I wasn't freaking out enough to not roll my eyes that time. "Okay thanks for that nerd,”  His lessons are making me better, but I'm still myself. “So **what am I supposed to do about this?** ”

He stared up and to his left, with his eyebrows furrowed, and I knew he wasn't looking at anything in particular and this was the dreaded ‘Chidi is about to weigh his options’ face. I once saw him get stuck like that for three hours. "Well, you tell her, because this is eternity and we're already in the bad place, and you have nothing to lose, so you might as well try to grab any goodness you can hold on to-"

"Okay, great, that's enough Chidi-"

His voice got higher, the second act of the ‘Chidi is about to weigh his options’ song and dance. "BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, THIS IS ETERNITY AND IF YOU TELL HER AND SHE DOESN'T RECIPROCATE YOU WILL HAVE TO SPEND ETERNITY IN THAT AWKWARDNESS AND- oh my God I'm getting a stomach ache."

"Wow, okay, you are **literally** not helping.” I was so annoyed with Chidi, I forgot why I was even stressed in the first place. Until I turned around to see if anyone had heard our heated discussion and made direct eye contact with Tahani Al-Jamil. “Why does she keep looking at me and smiling??” I whipped back to look at Chidi, his dumb stomach aches were spreading. I held onto my gut. Well, not like _gut_ gut. I have a pretty flat stomach, okay? “Oh God, I feel like I'm dying, I'm dying, aren't I?” This had to be worse than whatever Chidi always complained about, it felt like my chest was collapsing.

Stomach aches must work by cooties rules, because now that I was hobbled over, Chidi was back to being super serious, with his hands on his hips again. "Eleanor, we're already dead."

"Oh yeah.” I stood up straight. Still felt like I was dying though. “Well, WHATEVER, since all you've done is freak me out, the best answer is to just avoid her forever-"

"Eleanor, you can't-" He took a step towards me, but I was ready and took a step back. Gotta be quicker than that, buddy.

I gave him my patented Eleanor Shellstrop™ smirk. "Oh, yes, I can. And the first step is to make these bozos think we're still torturing each other. So _we’ll_ -” I pointed back and forth between the two of us, for emphasis. “Cause a huge scene and _I_ get to storm out of here.”

Cue worried face again. "I don't know if this is right choice-" I had to stop him before he became catatonic.

"If we sat here deliberating the right choice, we'd be here for an eternity.” I put on my most serious voice. Because I was serious. I was trying to be cool, but I was for real worried about this. “Will you just help me, please?"

His hands were still on his hips, but now his lips were tight and he looked between me and Tahani. It's what I would call the ‘Eleanor, I really want to say no to this thing you're asking me, but I'm going to say yes anyway because we're best friends so I'm contemplating it to make myself feel better’ face.

Next thing was me storming out of that empty room. Chidi trailed after me, looking sorry.

I faced him like I was mad, but there was enough space between us so I was yelling. "I told you for the last time! I don't know if you should wear your brown blazer or a black blazer to the party you're already at! And I CAN'T BELIEVE you brought both! Does it really matter whether it's a more formal black and white event or a casual get together dinner party??"

And then I was storming again, but this time out of the house completely, before anyone could respond. I like to think it's something I mastered back when I was alive, making a huge mess and then booking it before there are repercussions.

 

Okay, can we take a break here? The next part is kind of a lot, and I'm gonna need some water. Actually, scratch that. Get me an apple juice and some of those jumbo shrimp. I'm gonna need to be prime Eleanor to tell this doozey properly.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be a one shot but I split it into two because sometimes real life is the bad place
> 
> comments is appreciated *finger guns*


	2. First Blood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took so long because of who I am as a person but also it's significantly longer than the first chapter

Okay, so I'm at my own house, because, you know, I live there.

And Tahani does not, but she showed up **anyway.**

I don’t know how it never occurred to me that she could just come to my house at any point she wanted to. I mean, we did live in a small neighborhood that we couldn’t leave. Maybe if I had let Chidi finish talking earlier, he would’ve pointed that out for me.

Anyway, I was immediately on the defense and only opened the door a crack. The less I had to see of her stupid, gorgeous face, the better.

“Wassup?” I gave her the nod. You know, the ‘Hey, Guy’ nod.

“Good evening, Eleanor! I apologize for visiting so late.” Her face scrunched up in a fake sorry way. She didn’t really mind that she showed up this late, and God forking knows that I didn’t either. I didn’t even notice she was holding a bag until she brought it eye level. Well, eye level for me, chest height for, uh, for her. “But I thought since you left my party so abruptly, I would come over and personally deliver the amazing dinner we had in your absence.”

I opened the door a little more without thinking. If I’m being honest, it was probably because food was mentioned. But I kept my guard up, squinting as I looked Tahani up and town. I swear I was just trying to assess the situation.

“Were you born perfect? Or did you have to go to some perfection school?”

I meant for it to come out like an insult, but there was no bite. She actually smiled and waved me off like it was a compliment!

I gulped. “And I see you changed your dress.”

“Oh! This is my late evening, almost ready for bed dress.”

I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. She _was_ a total princess. (Not gonna lie, I'm pretty charming, but in a puckish rogue kind of way, not like a knight in shining armor. And that was usually cool with me, until it wasn't.) I frowned. “You sleep in a dress?"

She laughed, that almost scoff she does, where it should be annoying and pretentious. And of course, I didn't think it was. “Well, it's more of a silk gown but you understand the idea-”

Princess, princess, princess. “Tahani, have you ever worn just like regular pajamas in your life?”

She looked confused for a second, before looking me up and down like I did to her earlier. Karma and all that I guess. Although, I was a thousand percent sure we had _very_ different intentions. "You mean like the outfit you're currently wearing?” She smiled, trying to blind me, trying to take me out. “Well, I do find them surprisingly charming, in a pauper sort of way!"

"I don't know that word but I feel like I should be offended.” (Another sidenote: I asked Janet what that word meant later on and I was RIGHT to be offended.) “Anyway, pajamas are meant for _relaxing_ . Have you ever _relaxed_ in your life, Tahani?"

I was mad because even confusion looked cute on her stupid face. She was making this a lot harder than it needed to be, and I was definitely **not** helping. I could act like this was all her fault but really, I was the one who started conversation instead of just grabbing the food and slamming the door. It probably wasn't even good. Something only rich people like, like fish eggs.

"Well, I did use to have weekly spa days with my good friend Meryl. Whenever she wasn't filming, that is. I've also visited several natural hot springs that were exclusive-”

“Let me stop you right there.”

“What?”

“Nothing. Just let me stop you right there.”

She made an elegant wave with her hand like she was waving off my disagreeableness so she could keep talking. “Anyway, I suppose I haven't... exactly, done anything where I didn't have to keep up appearances. Something your current outfit certainly says you have no problem with.” I nodded, because of course, of course she would say something like that. God, why is she like that? She smiled again, and I forgot that I was supposed to be annoyed. Again. “What the heck! We _are_ in eternal damnation, and all our neighbors are demons meant to torture us, so why not now?"

This is the moment where she let herself in. The details are fuzzy, because I'm pretty sure there was never any force, but I sure as fork don't want to admit that I moved over. Let's just say it was out of panic. Yeah, I didn't want her too close to me, so like, I automatically countered when she came forward and that was her window.

Like, so I leave the door hanging open because I'm just watching her walk into my house. Not trying to repeat myself from earlier, but _seriously,_ **_why is she like that?_ ** But the better question is, **_why the fork do I like that?_ **

"Janet!” She said, completely ignoring me gripping the door. And then Janet popped up, and Tahani kept talking, like it wasn't my house! “Bring me some of those delightful shabby clothes, like Eleanor! Except, you know, accounting for my height and bosom size."

So I'm standing there, mumbling to myself, in my **own** house. “Forking gorgeous Amazon.” Janet handed her a pile of whatever and then popped back into her void.

“You know, I didn't mean like here?” This I actually said to her, I wasn't talking to myself then.

She whipped around and gave me her best, definitely practiced shock face. "I figured we could have a slumber party! I've always wanted to have a proper one, since the ones in my childhood usually ended with my friends abandoning me for my sister."

I forked up right here. I should've kicked her out. But I couldn't. You take a look into those perfectly brown milky way candy bar eyes and tell me you could say no. Also, I'll write in a book that'll be buried beneath my house that I actually cared about Tahani Al-Jamil’s feelings, and that whole sister-friend-ditching situation made me sad.

But the real forked up part was that as I shut the door, that word vomit from earlier was just like ‘hey friend guess who’s back!’

"Yeah, well, we totally _are_ ** _friends_** _._ And sleepovers are things **_friends_** do.” So horrible. If I wasn't already dead, I would've killed myself right then and there.

I had to get it together. “Well... First rule of sleepovers is only shirty food allowed so-" I knocked the bag of whatever-the-fork out of Tahani's hands and onto the ground. I immediately felt better.

“Well, alright, then.” Now Tahani was the one mumbling!

"I don't know whether we should get Chinese food or pizza... So I'm just gonna get both. Janet!"

Then I tried to describe to Janet, in detail, what kind of greasy, can only be found in a questionable looking restaurant, food I was looking for, and I almost didn't hear Tahani tell me she was going to go change. Already walking around my house like she lived here, which, if we're keeping it 100%, was an _incredibly_ pleasant thought for me.

“Hey, hot stuff, let me know if you need any help.”

She ignored me, which made sense. But it was cool, cuz I was super busy grabbing all the containers and boxes that Janet was handing me. I moved them all to the coffee table, and there wasn’t enough room because I had ordered like, a bunch of different things. I wasn’t sure what Tahani would like so I just got almost all of it? I told Janet to put whatever food Tahani liked the most on top of one of the pizzas and that was the best I could do. I was positive she’d never eaten pizza in her life anyway. And if she did, I was _super_ positive she was one of those people that did it with a fork and a knife. Bleh.

So I’m rearranging things to try to make them all fit on this table I never realized was so small before, when Tahani walked back into the living room. Normally, you can hear when she comes in, because she does it on purpose, but I guess even she couldn’t figure out how to make noise in the most quiet fabric ever.

I turned around only because she said something, and even her voice was quieter than usual.

“I certainly feel better than I look.” She said, and I shot up. It was weird, because, I didn’t think about standing, I didn’t want to stand, it just happened when I saw her.

Okay, quick question: since we're dead, I shouldn't have a heartbeat, right? But if that's the case, how can you explain the pounding I felt in my ears?

“Well,” My mouth was so dry. “You look really good too.”

She rolled her eyes at me, but it was that way she does it not when she's annoyed, but like she's trying to be cute. And fork, it worked. Especially paired with the smile she gave me after.

How does someone manage to look even more beautiful dressed down? The pajama bottoms hugged her right where they should have. I probably wasn't even subtle about my staring. And, as I moved my eyes up, the way her hair sat on her shoulders in a short sleeve shirt - I don't even think I know enough good words to describe it. It’s like, she looked so soft for once, like I could reach out and touch her. She looked like, _god_ , she looked like - she looked like she was talking and I wasn't listening.

“Eleanor!”

I should've hated the way she said my name. There was no R in it the way she said it. But I didn't. I don't. I only wanted to hear it like that. “Huh?”

“I asked, so what do we do next?”

Let me tell you, it was hard ripping my eyes away from that bod, but I had to do it. “I have to grab all the blankets in the house.” I said that with a lot more urgency than it needed, probably because my body wanted to urgently smash itself against Tahani's and I was pulling it a different way. “You make yourself comfortable on the couch.”

I ran away into my bedroom. I stared at the mirror and gave myself a little slap on the face. _Get it together, Eleanor Shellstrop. You've been around hot people before._

And a littler voice in my head was like, _But you never loved them_. And I was just staring like, what the fork, brain?? I didn't need that noise!

“Eleanor, why is there nihari on this pizza?” Tahani called from the living room, but I didn't have an answer (cuz I didn't know what she was saying) so I ignored it.

I yanked the blankets off my bed, smashed them into a _super_ portable ball shape, and then went to my guest room and did the same thing. When I got back to the living room, Tahani was sitting on the couch, picking at all the stuff in front of her.

I threw the blankets at her. “No, you gotta eat it, dummy.”

She moved them off her head to give me a proper dirty look. “Eleanor, I'm not sure this is even edible.”

I scooched myself beside her on the sofa, pulling most of the blankets on me. I left her some, though. “Sorry it's not _snails from France.”_ I did my super conceited British person voice. As a reward for doing such a good accent, I pulled the tray of pork fried rice into my lap.

“ _Escargot.”_ Tahani said in her real life conceited British person voice. I rolled my eyes.

“Bless you.” Now she rolled her eyes. “Seriously though, Gorgeous, you just gotta try it.” I held a forkload up to her face.

She stared at me like I was trying to poison her, but she had already been buttered up by my name-calling, so she gave in.

Oh my God, I've never seen a person eat something so slow. I almost told her to spit it out because she didn't deserve it anymore.

She looked like she was surprised she didn't die. “Wow, that's not completely horrible!”

I would've said something mean if my whole brain wasn't really focused on how close she was. She was even leaning toward me, and I just stared at her lips. Like why the fork did they look so kissable? Genetics?? Another reason for me to hate her parents.

“So is this it? We just gorge ourselves on subpar food?” And then those beautiful lips were talking, saying more annoying shirt, and the moment was ruined.

I leaned back. “No. We also watch awesome movies.” I started the TV. It was great because you could watch any movie ever made. “I'm going to show you a series, it's an American Classic.”

“Eleanor! I didn't know you appreciated the finer art of cinema!”

I shrugged cuz like, yeah I'm deep. “Yeah. It starts out about car racing, but then it changes to like bank heists. Those are better so we'll start there. More explosions!”

Tahani moved super slowly, probably so I wouldn't see her out of the corner of my eye, but I did because Eleanor has got the peripherals. But anyway, I saw her grab one of the ton of white boxes filled with shirty Chinese food off the table.

“I guess it's better than not completely horrible?” I said without taking my eyes off the TV, smirking.

“Oh, shut up.”

I'm gonna be honest. That shouldn't’ve turned me on, but it did.

What?! I'm a simple person! And have you seen Tahani??

“Anyway, it's also got The Rock in it, who's a total hottie. Gotta have some eye candy in it, because we can't just stare at each other all night.”

“Oh! Dwayne Johnson? I've encountered him on a few different occasions, he's a wonderful man. Never seen a film of his, though.”

The stars aligned so I found it just as she said that. You'd be surprised how hard it is to find a movie when you have access to literally every single one that was ever made. “Well, you're about to!” I slammed the motherforking play button. “Janet, lights!”

 

Okay, now, I'm not about to explain the plot of the Fast and Furious movies to you. If you haven't seen them, that's on you, and your sad life. Also, I just want to make a comment that, while I do love those movies, as I was looking for Fast Five, I saw how many were made. Holy shirt, I know I've been dead for a while but why are they still making these?? Furious 13: Bad Luck, Fast Luck? Come on dudes, it's just getting irresponsible!

But anyway, I just want to jump right here because it's important to the story. Around the middle of Fast & Furious 6, I realized I got trapped in a stupid teenager movie.

It’s like, all the sudden, I realized the weight of the blankets piled on top of us. I realized Tahani was resting on me and there was no space between us. If I moved my hand just like an inch, it would've been on her thigh.

I tried to be whatever about it, I honestly did. But do you know how crazy it is to suddenly become aware of every single part of your body? And someone else's too?

It felt like being trapped. Like I was stuck in that exact position I was already in. I don't want to admit that it felt like my heart was talking mad shirt, beating extra hard, and my stomach was trying to make its way up there so it could fight it. Like there was about to be an absolute brawl.

But it was good. It was so good, that I didn't want to move at all and risk forking up how good it was.

In that moment, I hated myself for how I was acting. I was suddenly the teenage boy that didn't know how to deal with his crush in so many shirty movies. And I _hated it._ But no matter how much I tried cursing myself out on the inside, I couldn't stop feeling it.

I even think my palms were sweating. God, my life wasn't like this. In my life I would've never been so caught up like this.

But in my life, I never felt this good either.

I guess that's what actually caring about things feels like?? Oh God, if I did this while I was alive, it would've definitely killed me. That car would've never got the chance.

 

Furious 7 was getting close to its ending and I could barely keep my eyes opened.

You would think in a fake good place you wouldn't have to deal with sleepiness. But it came anyway.

Probs towards the end of F&F 6, I stopped tensing my whole body and just let myself be comfortable. I was right up against Tahani. Maybe if she wasn't so soft and warm, I would've been able to stay up.

“I'm beginning to think these aren't exactly classic films.” Tahani's words stopped me from nodding off.

I wasn't too tired to not have a snarky comeback. “Hey, you guys have your Benson Kombucha and we have our Rock.”

“Do you mean, ‘Benedict Cumberbatch?’” I could hear the laughter in her voice.

I focused on the TV, hoping the explosions would keep me up. “That doesn't feel as right as what I said.”

Now, I promise my perception wasn't forked up because I was tired, but I swear Tahani giggled. Giggling is usually something not “refined enough” for Tahani to ever do. But I swear on my own grave (if there is one), that she did it, just then.

If I wasn't so sleepy, I would've called her out on it, but I didn't even have the strength to turn away from the TV.

“I've actually had Benedict Cumberbatch over for dinner. I also invited Scott Derrickson, who you know, of course, is a director. It was before they started filming that odd movie Doctor Strange. I sat them down, and I said, ‘Listen, on behalf of the people, and as an Asian person, I have to tell you that casting a white woman to play someone who was originally Tibetan is wildly inappropriate for reasons I shouldn't have to explain.’ Needless to say, I never saw either of them again.”

I nodded. Had to give her props for trying.

“I also believe from that point Tilda Swinton hasn't been a big fan of mine. I attended a party hosted by Chris Evans, and she gave me dirty looks almost the entire time. I had to check with my good friend, Tom Hiddleston-”

For once, I wasn't interrupting her. She just stopped talking herself.

“What?” I asked, after she paused for like a minute.

“You don't care.”

See, this was totally the fault of my naturally cool exterior. I always looked like I didn’t care. Which, usually I really didn’t. But my dumb brain was like, legitimately interested in everything Tahani had to say. Even if most of it was just (not so) humblebrags. I guess, because every once in awhile she’d be a normal human person. “Huh? No, I was listening. You and Tilda Swinton have beef-”

“No, what I meant is, it doesn't matter to you. None of that…” She took a deep breath, doing another one of her hand waves. “ Matters.”

“Well,” I yawned. “I guess we are dead, so yeah, it doesn't matter.” I finally turned to her, with a sleepy grin on my face for literally no reason. (oKAY!! There was a reason! It was Tahani! Are you happy now? Are you happy with yourself?) I didn’t expect her to be staring right back at me, like she had been looking at me this whole time.

(Fun fact: Tahani told me apparently she **was** staring at me that whole time. And then she called me _daft._ Which Janet then told me was not very nice. I just can’t keep up with her very British insults!)

She was smiling, and looking at me like- hmm. Like the way you look at your car after it’s been in the shop for a few days and you’ve really uh, _experienced_ public transportation.

I was wondering what I did for that look, and was about to ask before she spoke first.

“Thank you for this lovely evening. I know we bumped heads at first, but, I'm really glad we're friends.”

I felt like we were having a moment. And this time, it was this messy bench and her weird and persistent case of word vomit here to ruin it.

“Yup! Friends! That's us! Just friends!” It’s like all of the sudden I was a w a k e and yelling.

Tahani frowned. “Why do you keep repeating the word ‘friends?’”

Oh God, just reliving this memory I’m like, _why didn’t anybody stop her??_ Her being me. “Because I'm so glad we're friends, Friend! Up top!” I don’t know why a high five seemed like a good idea to me at the time. Oh wait, that’s because it didn’t! I wasn’t thinking about anything I was doing! My body and mouth was just doing shirt on their own!

She hesitated, but then warily placed her hand against my own.

Everything happened so quickly. Please don’t judge me.

I just- oh my god. I just forking intertwined our fingers???

“Eleanor, what are yo-”

“I'm so in love with you.”

Holy **forking** shirtballs.

My own brain! Betraying me like this!

I froze completely. Like I was finally given the reins back after my body had sufficiently forked everything up. I was left to deal with the mess. And I _hate_ cleaning. “Oh shirt. I said that out loud, didn't I?”

What I can tell you though, is never in a MILLION years would I have predicted that my basically grunted out confession would’ve made Tahani reach across the couch and kiss me.

No, a BILLION. A billion years.

I kissed back immediately because I’m not stupid.

 

Let me try to explain what kissing Tahani felt like.

Hmmm.

So you ever watch your coworker get their chips stuck in a vending machine? And after they walk off all sad, you sneak in and put your money in so you get your bag and theirs for the price of one?

It was like that, except times it by a million.

Okay, that’s not good enough. I’m going to try to describe it better, even though it’s making me itchy.

It’s like all the sudden I understood those things I hated when I was alive. The cheesy love songs, the barf-worthy cliches, the **_forking_ ** _butterflies._

 

Wait a sec.

 

Sorry, I’m just really itchy.

 

Anyway, yeah dude. It felt like my whole body was smiling, whatever the fork that means. It was better than anything I had ever experienced before, in life or death. **It was better than that endless supply of shrimp and dips Michael got me.** And I’m not saying that lightly.

Everything slowed down and (I'm shuddering in horror right now, just so you know) the whole room went away, and all I had to focus on were how soft her lips were (like, crazy soft) and her body underneath my hands. It felt like I was going to throw up. But in like, a good way. You know. Butterflies.

Okay, this is what I don't get. Because again, we're both dead, right? So why did we have to pull away to breathe? _Technically,_ we should've been able to make out all night with no breaks. Also, I could feel my heart racing. Which again, doesn't make sense.

Tahani's hands stayed on my jaw, so we were close when I finally got to look at her. Her face was kind of red, and her lips were really red. It just made me want to kiss them more.

But then it hit me. This was Tahani Al-Jamil. Why the fork was she just tongue wrestling with me? **It had to be a scheme. And I was gonna get to the bottom of it.**

“Wait, why did you do that?” That's grade A detective skills courtesy of yours truly.

I expected an evil laugh, or something, I didn't expect for her to look away like she was trying to remember something. “I don't know. It was all I could think about doing.”

“Sounds good enough to me!” Okay, so maybe I was only a C grade detective. But my hands were back on her hips and we were kissing again.

Now, as you guys probably know, I'm not _really_ one to think things through, per se. So it was a total forking surprise to me when my brain decided to take this moment to go absolutely haywire.

I watch too many movies, and that's why these thoughts showed as up as a demon and an angel on my shoulders. I internally sighed, I was already dead, and this was too on the nose!

And to add further insult to injury, the demon looked like me in a incredibly flattering red jumpsuit ( _Why thank you,_ demon me thought. Oh, don't sweat it.), but I hate to say the angel was a compact version of Chidi.

That was just offensive! I couldn't even be my own angel!

_what do you guys want can't you see I'm making out with the hottest person to ever live_

The demon me shrugged it's shoulders. **I'm just here cuz that guy is.**

_Well, what are YOU doing here then, Chidi??_

This is unethical and you know it, Eleanor. 

**Fork off, no she doesn't.**

_Yeah, fork off! No, I don't!_

You can't just accept Tahani's non-answer, that isn't fair to her! 

_Why can't I?_

We had a private conversation- 

**If** **_we_ ** **stopped having this** **_conversation,_ ** **you could be touching her** **_privates!_ **

The miniature Chidi even got flustered and rolled his eyes like the real one.

We had a _private_ conversation about how Tahani needs everyone to like her. And unless you're 100% sure she's not doing this as a compulsive response to your feelings, you'd be taking advantage of her. 

**She's a adult! She can make adult decisions! And if her adult decision is to sleep with Eleanor, well, that's that on that.**

Mini Chidi rolled his eyes again. This conversion was too familiar to ones we've actually had.

Besides that, I know that deep down- waaaaayyy deeeep down, you want Tahani to feel the same way. You don't want this to be a mistake. 

Ouch! That one hurt a little. A lot.

_How do you know that?!_

Because, I'm not actually Chidi. I'm your mind taking the form of your teacher/best friend to deal with the new ethical part of you that hasn't exactly learned how to mesh with the rest of your personality. Says a lot about you, by the way. 

**Well, shirt.**

_Well, shirt._

Stupid ethics lessons!

I shook off my tiny torturers and brought myself back to the present, pulling away from Tahani. Which, by the way, hurt like a motherforker.

She looked worried. “What-what's wrong?”

I grabbed her hands, taking them off my face, but I didn't let them go. She looked even more worried, sick even.

It was time again for serious Eleanor Shellstrop.

“I was serious just now. I do love you, Tahani.” It was real for me because I didn't even flinch, or hesitate. “And I know because you make me want to do all that stuff that makes me want to throw up. I want to hold doors open for you. I want to pull out your chair, hold hands, make you breakfast.” (The irony of I wouldn't be caught dead doing any of that before. You get it??? *finger guns*) “And I know especially, because I don't want it for me, I'm not trying to get you to sleep with me or tell me all your secrets. I want to do it for you. Because you deserve it. You're an impressive, thoughtful, and special person, and you deserve someone who cares about you. I know nobody's supposed to be perfect, but I think whoever is responsible for all this got pretty close with you so…” I paused, because I was kind of embarrassed. A really new feeling for me, by the way. It was all new actually. And all this honesty was, well, a lot. “You make me want to be a good person. So that when they put you in the good place, where you belong… I can go with you.”

Tahani kind of looked like she was going to cry, but as soon as I was done talking, and I'm not using these words for drama, she literally threw herself on me again.

I know I'm irresistible, but God, it was like she wasn't even listening. If anything, it was just making me more upset.

I peeled her off me.

“Seriously, stop. I don't want this to be one-sided. Don't feel like you have to do this because I said something nice, once. You can just have it.” I had to hold her hands in her own lap, like a kid.

She sighed, a deep one- it felt a little exaggerated if I'm being honest. “Eleanor, you daft desert flower, if you pull away one more time, I'm going to scream.”

I'm pretty smart, I mean, I was the one who figured out we were in the bad place, like, a _billion_ times, but the sound I let out here made me sound kinda dumb. “Whaa?”

“I hated you when we first met.”

Okay, **not what I was expecting** **_but_** , I shrugged and nodded. “Fair.”

“I thought you were classless, self-serving, mean, short-”

“Does this get nice at some point?” Like shirt, I just admitted I love her and she roasts me?

Here she smiled, and, like usual, I forgot I was supposed to be mad. “Although, I couldn't help but be intrigued by the ease in which you're able to be fully, authentically yourself. And once I became interested, just that small amount, I fell for you. You're so infuriatingly charming.”

I was about to ask her to tone down the British so maybe I could understand, but apparently she was not finished.

“God... it hurts to say this, because it means admitting that my whole personality is a ruse,” She laughed a little here, but in, like, a breathless way. (Once again, breathing??) “But I feel like I can just be me with you. I don't have to be Tahani that throws the most incredible parties," (Can't even go five minutes without complimenting herself. Jesus, it's like we were made for each other.) "Or the Tahani that constantly namedrops every celebrity she's ever interacted with. I can just be Tahani, your next door neighbor. Tahani that you go on picnics and walks with, and you take out to get frozen yogurt. The Tahani you convinced to play what you called ‘extreme tennis,’ even though I told you it wasn't a good idea, and you ended up with a black eye, but you laughed just the same. I never would have tried fried jumbo shrimp on earth. Eleanor, look at me! I'm wearing flannel stretch-pants for God's sake!”

Not gonna lie, her speech made me all warm inside (BARF), but I didn't want to assume anything. “So… what does this mean?”

She put her arms on my shoulders, and I could feel her hands on the back on my neck. “I love you, you American idiot. Interesting detail, by the way, I was the one who inspired Greenday to make that album-”

“Oh, shut up.” Now it was my turn to kiss her so she would stop talking. And a total surprise to me, cuz I’ve never been much… or at all, of a romantic, but I dipped her into the kiss. At least, as much as I could on the couch. I was proud of myself, because it was stupid, like a romance novel, and probably exactly what Tahani wanted.

Eventually, it turned into us both lying on the couch, and she was underneath me.

It was all those _feelings_ from earlier, but this time with the fun add-on of feeling like my blood was rushing around my body. Again, I don’t remember what death felt like, but I’m sure it was like this. The worst part, and what I hate to admit, I would die like this a million times.

I was burning.

I had to get out of my clothes. And get Tahani out of hers.

 

Okay, alright, see ya later kiddies. This isn’t going to be an after-school special where Eleanor teaches you about the birds and the bees.

If you’re an adult, you can _assume_ what happened next.

And if you’re not, well… go ask the closest adult. And tell them a stranger told you to do it!

 

Being in love with Tahani made me a sucker. A sucker that did pillow talk.

At some point, we moved to my bed. Cuz, ya know, it’s better for activities.

That’s where we were now.

I laid back, watching Tahani in her glow because, ya know, I’m really good at _activities._

I held my hand out like I wanted a handshake. “That was great, we should do it again sometime.”

She giggled again. Tahani. Giggling. And this is when I realized maybe I forked her up as much as she did me (and I'm not talking about sex here, get your mind out of the gutter sicko). Anyway, she giggled and rolled her eyes, pushing my hand away. “You are the worst.”

I shrugged and pulled her into my arms. I might be shorter, but I’m the big spoon, okay? I know I never cuddled when I was alive, but it just FEELS RIGHT.

We were quiet for a while, and there was a bunch of gross stuff, like me smelling her hair, kissing her on the head, enjoying the feeling of her warm skin against mine a little too much- You know. Gross stuff.

“I feel like I have to say something.” Tahani said after a few minutes of the gross stuff.

“What’s that, beautiful?” Bleh. If I wasn’t already dead, I would ask for a mercy killing.

I felt her tense up. “Jason and I had sex.”

I’m not gonna lie, that disturbed me a little bit. Not a lot, because we’re all adults here. Tahani had to the right to do whatever, or, _whoever,_ she wanted. This was fake paradise after all, and we had just started this thing tonight. “Whoa. Okay. You definitely didn't have to say that.” I laughed, but it was kind of uncomfortable. She couldn’t have taken a time when we weren't both naked to talk about this? “But I wouldn't have seen that coming in a million years. When did that happen?”

“A few months back.”

“Oh my God.” Okay. That was still… okay.

She let out a deep breath. “Well, I just felt I had to tell you.” She turned around so now we were facing each other. “It only happened once. It was simply a terrible mistake made after far too many glasses of wine. It meant absolutely nothing! Just meaningless, _surprisingly_ _amazing_ , sex!"

Okay, **this is when it ventured into not okay.** Not proud to admit I sat up and dropped her. "Wait a minute- oh my God, if you're implying that Jason is better in bed than me, I'm going to voluntarily send myself to the _actual_ bad place." They say you’re not supposed to rub your eyes, but I did a ton because I **needed** to wake up from this horrible nightmare.

Tahani sat up next to me, I only know because I felt the bed shift. I was still rubbing my eyes. “Excuse me? Is **_the_ ** Eleanor Shellstrop feeling self conscious?”

“I just want to point out that you'll also be miserable for eternity if I send myself to the real bad place.” I finally looked at her to drive that point home.

It was a mistake.

The blankets had fallen down, so they weren’t covering her boobs, and she was doing an annoying little shimmy.

“What happened to your usual bravado? Where’s that ‘ _I’m too cool to care about anything’_ Eleanor Shellstrop?"

"No, stop- don't use this time to be sexy." I turned away again. Honestly, I was kind of throwing a temper tantrum. But for a totally good reason! Jason??? Better at sex??? Than me??? ANyone??? Better at sex than me???

She laughed, cuz she’s evil. And she put her head on my shoulder and wrapped her arm around mine, because she’s super evil “Oh, come on, Eleanor. Stop sulking.”

No! I would continue sulking as long as it suited me, thanks!!

“It was nothing. He called it ‘ _banging it out.’_ What we just did… was lovemaking.”

After catching it a second time, I couldn’t leave it alone. “Your american accent sucks by the way.”

“Aw.” I could hear that she was pouting. And it’s a good thing I wasn’t looking at her, because I would’ve given in. “What do you want me to say? That our lovemaking was magnificent? Cosmic? Enough to shake the earth and heavens?”

“Yes.”

“Fine.” She put her hand under my chin so I had to stare into her eyes. “The love we just made, was magnificent. Cosmic. Enough to shake the earth and the heavens themselves. It’s awkward for everyone in the good place. Did I mention that you are fantastic in bed?”

She smiled, and fork, I couldn’t help but smile back.

But I’m still devious as fork.

“Are you lying? WE NEED THE TRUTH CUBE! JANET!”

And then Janet was there before Tahani knew what I was up to.

She immediately started yanking at the blankets to cover herself. "Goodness! Janet, go!"

Janet poofed away. Tahani stared at me, with a sort of bewildered look on her face. I didn’t know what the big deal was, Janet wasn’t even a person! And I said that. Or, I started to, but then Tahani kissed me and interrupted.

“What was that for?” Not that I minded or anything, just confused.

“Because you’re unreasonably annoying.” She was trying to look mad at me again, but it wasn’t working. “I can't believe I'm going to be with you forever.” She plopped back down into laying on the bed, which was pretty ungraceful for a princess.

I smirked. “Oh yeah, I locked that in, by being really good at sex.”

She rolled her eyes. But she didn’t stop me sliding on top of her, **_so_ ** I guess she wasn’t that mad.

“Also, apparently Chidi and I did the do in like nine reboots so we're even.”

She pushed me off. “You and Chidi had sex nine times?!”

I sighed. “No, in nine separate realities. You gotta listen.”

“You two got together in nine separate realities??”

I shrugged. “Yeah, but like, it's out of a thousand and something. So it barely counts.”

Her voice was getting louder, not angry, but like, she couldn’t believe what I was telling her. I didn’t get what she couldn't get. “But I still feel nine is a significant number!"

“Hey! You and Jason hooked up in THIS reality!” She was yelling at me for stuff I couldn’t even remember! That was basically a different Eleanor! This Tahani slept with the Jason that’s my next door neighbor!

“That was a complete drunken mistake!”

I didn’t even know why we were arguing, really. But she was yelling so I had to yell! But for once, I was being the adult, and trying to work it out. “Nine out of a thousand is a failing grade! That's worse than failing! Actually, if you had a test with a thousand answers, I don't think it's even possible to get only nine right!”

She pouted for a split second, like she was thinking about it, but then she burst out laughing. I didn’t know what was happening. But then when she started looking sorry and put her hands on my jawline, I realized she probably realized how ridiculous she was being.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” She still laughed a little between the words. “I love you!”

Shirt. I had gone completely soft. Whatever edge I had in life, I lost in death. Because I totally melted when she said that, with that smile on her face. Honestly? It was overwhelming, I don’t know how people do it. It was like my whole chest was going to explode because it didn’t have enough room for what I was feeling.

“I love you too.” It was easy to say that. Easier than I ever thought it’d be.

When she put her lips on mine, that was easy too.

I never felt at home when I was alive. I couldn’t. And I hated that stupid clown house. But, right then… that was it.

I never thought I’d be the “staring into someone’s eyes for minutes without speaking” type. At least, anyone that wasn’t Stone Cold Steve Austen.

“How many realities do you think we got together?” Tahani finally said something, when my arm was tucked around her and she was leaning into me.

“Well, if I know myself, and I know my weakness for ladies that look like you, act like you, and are named Tahani, I'm gonna say almost all of them.”

“And _if I know myself_ , I probably didn't make it easy for you in any of them.”

“Yeah, probably not.”

 

 

 

 

 

THE END BENCHES

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im mad cuz I wrote Tahani's confession before the most recent episodes of tgp and basically michael schur stole my shit and im suing #bbhmm
> 
> i only write 4 validation so comment below ya know


End file.
